Float on.

So talking helps me out so much, there are times when I wish I could see a therapist. Not because I have issues (well sometimes lol) but just so I can get off my chest whatever is bothering me. I know i have my friends, but I just want someone to just sit and listen instead of me feeling like I'm taking up their time. A lot of times I wish I lived a better life because I feel like I miss out on a lot. My mom is a big part of that! I just can't stand her. There's not one thing about her that I love. It's sad because some people say their mom is their best friend. My Aunt is the only family I consider my best friend. She understands the things I go through and I always tell her everything. She is the only person that knows me all around. If I say I'm going to do something and really I'm probably not going to, she already knows. A lot of the time I will fight her and keep saying I will but in the end she wins. I love trying to prove people wrong, even when I can't. It's just a challenge and it's entertainment to me I guess. But anyways, I figured something out, well I kinda mentioned it before, but I put a little more thought into it. People need to be brave. I can't live my life holding back anymore. I need to live (nothing illegal though, I'm not trying to go to jail) lol but like with me wanting a tattoo, getting piercings, not being shy, and falling in love. I seriously cant tolerate pain. Pain and I will never be together. Nope, but I have to suck it up and love it! Haha! I'm so shy around stangers, sometimes I wish I could be crazy like Tally, upfront like Molly, or even Friendly like Brittany. And with falling in love, Fuck being scared. I'm over it. Whatever happens happens. For every relationship I had, it's in my past. I know my past and I do not regret any of it, but I won't let it decide my future. It's getting closer to my birthday! Finally, I'll be 18. Not a big deal, but I'm officially an adult and behind everyone else. The minute I wake up that day, I want to be out doing something, I don't even want my mom to get me anything because she is always complaining about all the things she does for me and how I don't appreciate them. She always says how she does "so" much for me. She goes into detail and starts mentioning buying me food and shampoo and hairspray etc. Like seriously, what the fuck. You are my mother, that is your job. Too bad for her she still has 14 more days to buy me those things. She's so hypocritical with almost everything that comes out her mouth. She calls me lazy and I wonder where I get it from, then she says I complain all the time. She says I disrespect her, she's right, I have no respect for her. She is constantly drinking to hide from her problems and she claims I have no sympathy, when she has called me a cunt to my face (while under the influence of alcohol) called Chuck a piece of shit and talks shit about Nathaniel's mom in front of him. What kills me is she always asks me " You don't tell people what go on in this house right?" I use to not, I was little and didn't want to get in trouble. Now I could careless. I don't care about her, she will hurt anyone. I don't fucking get it, it's like she thinks she's better than all of us. Sometimes I wonder why she complains so much about what I do. She never helped with school, never was excited about me going to dances, never even paid for my dresses, shoes, anything. It was always my dad or my grandparents. She isn't a mother to me. She will yell and yell and then when she sees you are having an attitude with her and all mad at her she tries to make you tell her you love her. There are times were on the phone and she will try to force me to say "I love you" like I mean it. uh?! She makes it out to be like I owe her my life for her having me. I don't owe her fucking shit. Never will. I would glady tell Chuck I love him in a heartbeat rather than telling my mom. I get so upset thinking about the person she is. Then she gets all butthurt if she finds out that I was talking about her to someone. Why do you get upset? Are you worried about what other people think about you? You always say "I don't care what other people think" But I believe that is a lie, You do, very much, care what other people think of you. You never say sorry for the things you say. That's how fucking self centered you are, you can't apologize for the wrong things you do. But you will make me stand there and apologize to you for "having an attitude". Honestly, everyday I hate you more and more, Your own mother and father think you are crazy. Chuck is scared to leave you, Nathaniel wont live with his dad because that would mean he would have to suffer being around you, and Keanu is 6 years old and, because he fully doesn't understand, will tell people you get drunk. How embarrassing. Then you say things like how when you get old that I need to either find a rich man, or become a doctor to take care of you. HA! When you're old you better pray that Keanu will have the heart to take care of you. I wont be like you.